the crickets... then the whispers

When I stop to listen to the silence, to just breathe, to shut out all the noise & chatter, I hear the whispers.

My morning began late, as I woke at nearly 10:00 am. Unheard off for a successful, determined, driven, entrepreneur. Aren’t we meant to be up at the crack of dawn. Forever thinking, dreaming, creating, planning, doing, helping, serving & trying to be the greatest example to all. High achievers are up early; they have schedules, rituals, processes that they follow to a T. What’s wrong with me? I haven’t been up early for months, my schedules are out of whack, my usual exercise routine is almost non-existent at the moment & I’m a little all over the place.... It dawned on me this morning that although I am still determined, still, in my mind a high achiever, (my standards are very high), always thinking, dreaming, planning, creating, scheduling, working, serving as much as I can - I was pooped! Flat out exhausted.

You see I sat up late last night putting together my end of year little celebration video for 2017. I was excited & ready, but not 1 thing I had actually achieved or set out to do from my previous years planning came to mind. Que the crickets.....

I sat there for a moment & wondered what the hell had I done for an entire year? Why hadn’t my new, exciting Podcast started, my sequel & 2 other books still in my head not on paper, the products & services I had designed & created ready to give to the world in 2017 still not in production.... The 5 kilos still proportioned around my body in places I had planned to remove, the Yoga classes, leading to possible training & certification later in the year.

And then the whispers came, that beautiful voice of love, my higher self who I have affectionately called Aurora for some time now. She began to fill my thoughts & mind with words of encouragement. She reminded me of the beautiful group I had created in September 2016. A group that in early 2017 was just a few hundred members & now had blossomed into over 5,600+ beautiful women from around the world. I sat & smiled as I thought about each member I had welcomed in, each one sending my silent little prayer & thank you as I pressed my computer key to ‘add’ them with such love & gratitude to the group. I smiled & thought about all of the likes, loves, comments, engagement, wisdom, inspiration, reaching out, helping out, sharing, caring & love from each one. I thought about all the beautiful private messages I'd received of thanks & reaching out. Our beautiful community. I thought about the hours I'd spent daily preparing, finding & sharing information, tools & resources to support our members & make it the inspirational group I had dreamed it would be back in 2016. I thought about all the wonderful posts, full of wisdom, inspiration, experience & knowledge that so many of our members freely share. I thought about the immense talent in our group, the women who were growing, learning & so thankful for all the group provided. I thought about how truly amazing, beautiful, capable & worthy each member was, no matter what stage in life they were at. That they had just as much to give & share as some of the experts, just by their presence, willingness & openness to be more, see more & become their most beautiful authentic selves. In those moments, I was truly humbled & thought what an amazing year, what an amazing community to not only be a part of but to have created. These women inspire me every day just as much as I’d always hoped to inspire & lead them.

As my mind wandered deeper in thought & reflection of the year now almost over & all I had hoped to achieve & without doubt will now add to my 2018 dreams & goals, I was gently reminded of what this year had also brought. The incredible, intense, unpredictable decline of my mother. A woman, who was once vibrant, determined, successful, lost to the world of dementia. To be precise severe alcoholic induced dementia, as stated by her doctors & countless tests from when we had no choice but to call an ambulance in February of this year. A weekend I will never forget (but not dwell upon) that found my sister & I spending an entire week end at her home, by her side thinking this was it, she was going to die as we lay beside her to watch over her, help her & keep her spirits up as she begged us not to call an ambulance. But come the morning we had no choice, she needed help & we couldn’t leave her there, helpless, afraid. From there she stayed in hospital for over 2 weeks & a woman emerged that we didn’t know. She was so angry we had called the ambulance, she would fight with the little energy she had left every night when we had to leave, abusing us for leaving her there & then the fastest deterioration I’ve ever seen began. She was never allowed to return home again & after years of listening to her misery, not willing to seek help, saying hopefully tonight I will die & begging we would never put her in a nursing home, she went home with my sister to live. From February this year right up until September between all our commitments, Mum, doctors, work, our own families & life in general we began the massive task of cleaning out & fixing up her home, it’s amazing how much we accumulate & what can creep up over years of neglect. Her home was in need of so much repair, love & care. This again was another promise we had made, that we would keep her home in the family. We wanted to keep our promise, although a little guilt had crept in from calling the ambulance, but her home, a place she had cherished, a place we had had many happy moments in, with our children also spending time there, learning to swim in her pool, family bbq’s together, this one we could keep. But in that promise a lot of time was sacrificed as other things were put on hold while we began such a big task, a task that the more we did, the more we found had to be done. In September my little family moved out of our home, a place I had lived for over 15 years, into her home, all the while my sister (& I as much as I could) tending to Mum every day. She is now at the stage where she can’t even remember how to make a cup of tea... it is hard to watch & know sometimes what to do, but together my sister & I stand side by side to do what we can to make her last stage of life on this earth as comfortable as possible, as full of love as possible.

This, without trying to sound like an excuse was why I hadn’t achieved all I set out to accomplish this year. It has been a massive year, one that has tested, tried & pulled at every heart string & emotion. Amongst this thought & acknowledgement came a little relief. And I know that so many others have gone through similar experiences & some so much worse & I sit in awe at the strength & ability of the human soul, the ability that when chosen can bring us through the greatest of pain, keep us standing tall, in good spirits, achieve & still be able to learn, grow & contribute to this world. I really smiled as my awareness came to the forefront of mind in those moments. My focus, my work, my efforts, my love & attention in 2017 was clearly in front of me. In the smiles of my boys, my partner, in knowing that we were happy, the smile on my mother’s face each time I would take her out for the day, the bond between my sister & I, the messages, comments & growth of my group & the many new friendships that have come & will come from it. Life is good & it’s true that there are moments we wish we could take back, not experience or have to deal with, but each one has a gift, a lesson, some piece of beautiful internal growth if we listen, raise our awareness, acknowledge & act. So many lessons have emerged from the experience with my mum, unconditional love & forgiveness being the biggest of all.

I believe there are 2 ultimate statements for our existence in this world & that is that we are here to give & receive love, & to learn to love beyond fear. There is nothing that we cannot overcome, work through, breakthrough, learn, achieve, even if there are blocks & hurdles along the way, it may just take a little longer, but there is nothing wrong or failureistic about that.

This is life, sometimes it’s unpredictable, sometimes it’s painful but it is also rewarding, full of hope, joy & love. Those that go on to lead incredible, successful, happy lives in whatever way success or happiness is for them, do so because they chose to keep going, to focus on the right things, to reflect, re-evaluate, raise their awareness, to live as many moments as they can in the present moment. They are always open to learning, listening, growing, contributing, dreaming, planning, doing - no matter how long it takes them. This is their successful journey, a life lived in constant growth, in happiness, love & acceptance of who they are, with kindness, empathy & love in the forefront of their minds. And the wisdom to take time out to stop, to listen to their bodies, to be aware of their thoughts, to change that which is not working, to seek guidance & help & to practise self-care & self-love.

One day when our time is right we will return to where we came from & all that we didn’t understand, all that we wondered why? But never had the answer for, will become known, we will see the bigger picture, we will understand. Till then we must trust in ourselves, in our ability, in the knowledge that we are all beautiful, capable, worthy, amazingly, human/spiritual beings. We are all here for a reason, a purpose, founded in love & this life, this journey, although it tests us at times is an incredible journey if we allow it to be. To live is a gift, to love & be loved is priceless.

Last night, for a moment I began to doubt myself, question myself & be incredibly hard on myself until the whispers came. Because even though I have odd moments that I am not connected to spirit, living authentically or to that which I know to be true, I have learnt enough, practised enough to know & take comfort in the fact that what I need, what will help me get back up, keep going & live from the high energy & vibration I strive to live by will always find me, I have trained my mind so that it does & always will.

› The crickets, then the whispers