Ok, so I'm hearing the song from Top Gun, but the message is clear.

The rose coloured glass are off, commitment, obligation, routines, set in. Things change and we start to question our relationship. So here are 5 big reasons why that lovin feeling seems gone, gone, gone...

1. Lack of communication. This major thorn in the side of numerous relationships is a major cause of lack of passion, lack of sex, lack of motivation, lack of fun, lack of certainty; well lack.

If we don't talk and listen. I mean really listen - not just hear with the intent to reply, fix or add our opinion, how can we really connect? How can we know what our partner is feeling? How can we ever resolve any pain? How can we empathise, understand, clarify, nurture, improve, grow and be completely there for the most important person in our lives.

2. We don't bring our best game!
You may have heard me say this before; every great relationship starts with you.
We need to be the person we want to be with. Simply put;

  • If you want more love - be more loving
  • If you want more joy - be more joyful
  • If you want more affection - be more affectionate and so on, you get my drift

We can easily spend so much time focused on what we're not getting but never stop to think about what where giving or contributing.

Sometimes we need to stop and take a good look at ourselves and make sure we are being the very best version of ourselves. If we uncover past hurts, pain, worry and stress we need to deal with it, face it, so we can we move forward with love and joy and not carry it around. Which in the end only sabotages our chance of real joy and love. I'm sure you would agree that many an argument started not from a particular thing your partner did (or didn't do) said (or didn't say) but from an underlying pain or fear, that we may have carried around for years.

3. Not being present. How many people spend their time focused on the past or worrying about the future? The numbers are alarming! If we could each learn to be present in as many moments as possible, our lives, our relationships would be a completely different story. Now is all we have, now is where the magic happens and change takes place. We can certainly look to the past for lessons, strength or how to do something better. And we can certainly look to the future to get excited, plan and start creating what we'd love. But now is where it happens. The past is gone, the future hasn't happened. Your NOW creates your next moment and ultimately your future.

4. Lack of gratitude. Now this isn't because we don't appreciate or aren't grateful - it's because where so consumed by the busyness of life, the strife, the what ifs, if only, he said, she said, how can I possibly, why did he/she, miss-interpretations and/or assumptions etc. When consumed by these things, the daily awareness and acknowledgement of all we are, or could be grateful for, just doesn't enter our minds.

I once read what if you woke up with only the things you were grateful for.... Interesting but scary thought for many. Gratitude is truly one of the simplest, most powerful ways to transform your life into one of joy. Notice everything your grateful for or could be grateful for. Acknowledge it, and when it comes to your partner - tell them. Even if it's as seemingly simple as their smile, the meals they cook for you, the lawn they keep nice, the money they provide for the family, their attention and care of the kids. All the way to saying thank you, I'm so grateful for the BMW you bought me for my birthday (ok little dreaming there; maybe for some it's true) 

5. Actions, loving words, affection, gifts and time can speak volumes. But only if your speaking the love language of your partner. So allow me to explain. If your partners love language (meaning the way in which they truly feel loved) is quality time, but you, in your good nature (thinking you’re doing the right thing) continue to shower your partner with gifts but never spend any quality time with them. Your partner is not going to 'feel the love' and you are going to be left confused, maybe thinking “but I buy them nice things all the time, surely they know I love them, I mean I really spoil them.... I just don't get it!” So, to not make this a super lengthy point - I'm going to encourage you to get yourself a copy of Dr Gary Chapmans '5 Love Languages'. You can even download an audio on Youtube. Learn what language truly speaks love to your lover.

Relationships take work. So to answer my original question; you have to make an effort Every Single Day, and Take the Initiative to Bring Back That Lovin Feeling.

This is your life; don't waste a minute of it unhappy, unfulfilled or struggling. You deserve to live an amazing life. And experience a relationship full of love, joy, passion and meaning.

A little P.S. I was going to make this post 6 reasons, but decided to add the last one at the very end as an extra note.

So last but not least! Now this is a tough one, but for some people; they settle. The red flags were there in the beginning but you ignored them. Or as time went by it becomes clear that you have very different values, beliefs and goals. Many of these can be worked through, but some are non-negotiable. Fears of confronting the situation or being alone kicks in. When deep down you know you aren't meant to be. This is a big one, not to be taken lightly and I would always encourage talking to a professional to explore every possibility, but the point can be summed up in a great quote by Dolly Parton "Sometimes a bird and a fish can fall in love, but where do they make their home"